love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I love wikipedia
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.