love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
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My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.