love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..