love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
No laws when master is gone
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
