love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.