Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Pat is about to own someone

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself