Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I need better friends

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter