Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You Might Also Like
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.