Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first