Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.