Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Why is everyone getting married at me

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship