Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Grandpa

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.