love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”