Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”