love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.