Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
This dude got his own movie?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
The glory of fall.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep