Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
