Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?