Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.