Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?

Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.

Husband: It said REDRUM.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.