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*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard