Love this guy
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Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.