Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude