@ICantEven001

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

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@Brampersandon_

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

@icrushedmyhalo

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@pudding_club

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

@mom_ontherocks

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@swiftenhaal

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

@goldengateblond

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.