Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand