Love this one 😂🧟
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
how it started vs how it ended
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF