Love this one 😂🧟
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[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
neighborhood watch
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”