Love this one 😂🧟
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Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.