Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
just gave your address to some spiders
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN