Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.