love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
We’ve all been there…
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night