love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
You Might Also Like
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off