Love thy neighbor’s dog
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess