@gasstationgurl

Love thy neighbor’s dog

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@Kilgore_Studge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

@lilijohnsonxx

my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met

@caribbeanaj

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@david8hughes

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

@Karissajem

Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@EwdatsGROSS

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.