Love thy neighbor’s dog

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I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.


my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met


Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?


You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts


A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.


Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.


[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo


I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted


That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.