@gasstationgurl

Love thy neighbor’s dog

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@McGrumpenstein

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

@mumbletoes

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

@DeadLioness

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@Bob_Janke

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

@ThugRaccoons

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

@FeelingMervis

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.