Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?