love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.