love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.