love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
what it’s like dating me:
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
💯😂
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I love this❤️😁👍
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.