love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
