Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.