love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
This is my favorite one of these!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo