love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.