Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

She might be a genius

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

no one ever comes back

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

The Birdles

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*