Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Sharon I have some bad news
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker