Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
This is why I hate group projects
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Yes
Brb my Sims are getting married
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia