Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.