Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.