Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore