Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

A double negative is a big no-no.

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.