Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to