Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.