Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Velcrow

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.