Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
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Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The game has officially changed 😎
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?