Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”

“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.