“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
You Might Also Like
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close