Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

Meow?

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

don’t be scared

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over