Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.