Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Children of the Corn Man

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

I’ve disappointed better people.

that de-escalated quickly

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.