Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
when nothing goes right… go left
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
At least my masseuse has my back.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
WHY?!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
handsome & gretel
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
🥲
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?