Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

Before crowbars crows drank alone

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Roombas should bark

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose