Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Ok but actually
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.