chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
lost dog