@refinedrednec

Love yourself.

But, not in public.

That’s illegal.

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@Bownuggets

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@rolldiggity

“What should we name this fruit?”
“Passion!”
“…”
“…”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@SwedishCanary

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

@bridger_w

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens