LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
i now pronounce you bounced.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho