Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
he was correct
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me