@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

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@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”

@DanaSchwartzzz

*to the tune of Losing My Religion*
That’s me in the corner
That’s me at the cheese plate
Eating all your crackers

@lovemydogduck

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@TheMichaelRock

Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!

@truegritrumble

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

@TheHyyyype

[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose

@TayTayJustine

Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!

@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@marlespo

My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.