Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

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cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”


*to the tune of Losing My Religion*
That’s me in the corner
That’s me at the cheese plate
Eating all your crackers


My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies


I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”


Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!


ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.


[taking girlfriend out]

her dad: have her back at a reasonable time

me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time

her dad: propose


Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!


I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.


My 8 yr old just asked me how the first microchip was built at the exact time I was wondering what other animals got sweaty armpits.