[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.