Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
You Might Also Like
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.