Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Me when my alarm goes off

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.