Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy