Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Sex so good you see dead people.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
i was dropped as an adult
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
one week till the election
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*